


safe

by dnovep



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Mentions of childhood abuse, References to Panic Attacks, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, mentions of animal death (no actual animal death), mentions of terrorist & homophobic attacks (no details), vday vid references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-18 03:50:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21721309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dnovep/pseuds/dnovep
Summary: "For the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe." - the big dThis flat is the safest place in the world.i.e. 2k of plotless fluffy rambling, because knowing that d&p feel safe together makes me sob uncontrollably
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 18
Kudos: 54





	safe

**Author's Note:**

> this is for the phanworkschallenge advent event! ❤️  
> huuuuge thanks to snokophilsm & hermitnat on twitter for beta-ing & generally being wonderful!! ❤️❤️❤️ also thanks to dizzy & your anon for telling me you’d read soft plotless mush! ❤️
> 
> hope u like this, please comment if u can! ❤️

This flat is the safest place in the world. It’s warm and it has a Phil and fluffy blankets and pillows. They keep the curtains shut and Dan checks the doors for Phil at night, and in return Phil walks back up with him to bed, switching the lights off on the way. It’s cosy, to know that they provide for each other. Even when they don’t leave the flat all day and Dan should be worried about how it’ll effect his brain, it’s safe because Phil’s there. It’s impossible to isolate yourself when you live with your soulmate.

* * *

Maybe the safe feeling feels like more than it is to Dan because of the constant onslaught of violence and reasons to be scared that he grew up with, but he’s pretty sure he would feel this safe with Phil no matter how he grew up. It’s not about past trauma, it’s about Phil and Dan and the weird psychic mindmeld they have. It’s about their unwavering commitment to keep each other as safe as possible at all times – even if sometimes that commitment to protect makes them sleepless and stressed for a while, sometimes keeps them isolated from other people. It’s so hard not to double-guess his feelings though. Dan would call this over-thinking that his brain does a side effect of therapy, but he’s always been a Gemini (not that that really means anything, he loudly declares). Also, while he was growing up his need for impulsive jokes and immaturity had warred with the part of him that had learned to tactically think about everything to find the safest possible outcome. He grew up in a house that alternated violently between empty and unsafe with his own feelings, or filled with screaming, hostile, pointed silences, and snide comments waiting to trip him up at any time.

Phil doesn’t blow up at Dan randomly. Even at his most tense and likely to snap Phil doesn’t shout, ever. Usually Dan can just fetch him coffee and/or sugary food and tell a cute joke and Phil will start smiling and untensing in no time. Phil doesn’t really surprise him with his reactions - Dan started being able to predict them with 90% accuracy after the first year of them living together. His Dad used to blow up randomly at the most innocuous stuff, so it’s really nice to co-exist with someone who doesn’t make Dan feel like he’s living with a ticking bomb. Maybe that’s a really low bar to set, but it’s important and appreciated.

* * *

Even at their tensest times Phil & their flat were a refuge of safety from the millions of needle-point eyes watching them, waiting to catch Dan out, to expose him. As Phil kept patiently reminding him, he could just shut his laptop and find Phil for a cuddle, any time. The safety was there, if his brain would just let him take it.

One time a stranger shouted at Dan on a plane for singing and Phil had told him off - the man, not Dan, _of course_ \- and when they were back home Phil took a moment at the start of his next video (‘THE NOT-MILK CHALLENGE’) to vent to their audience about how unreasonable that man had been, to be annoyed by Dan’s humming.

Growing up, Dan’s Dad used to shout at him for being too noisy, too _much_ ; his Mum sighed and tutted and pointedly glared at his jittery limbs that he hadn’t even realised were thudding against the floor/the furniture/each other; his Grandma gently but firmly held his hand still between her own when he drummed on his knees in Church; teachers told him off for talking to no one; bullies at school threw things at him and shouted insults; other kids had asked to move tables because Dan was a distraction. Dan had known from a young age that he made too much noise, all the time, and _of course_ all that noise would make people angry at him. Then he met Phil and, like always, he was different than everyone else. Phil never told Dan to stop tapping, or humming, or even talking. At worst, he’d roll his eyes fondly. That type of safety echoed into everything Dan did - he was allowed to talk now (encouraged to, even), so he did. He started talking about things that really mattered, his feelings, the thoughts he’d never got to talk about to other people before they told him to shut up.

After opening up only to be told to be quiet enough times Dan had developed a defensive tactic where he got bratty and rude, condescending (to mask how frustrated and hurt he felt), an attitude which had annoyed a lot of teachers back in the day. _Of course_ he hadn’t _actually_ wanted to talk about his opinions on that album, what are you, stupid? Oh yeah, he was _so_ upset when that ‘friend’ walked away from him mid-sentence (accompanied with a scoff and an eyeroll to show how very much, in fact, he did not care and definitely was not shrivelling up with loneliness). After enough times when Phil had sat and listened long after other people would’ve told him to shut up Dan lost the ability to instantly pull that ‘couldn’t care less, idiot’ mask on. He did care, and with Phil that vulnerability was rewarded with attention and respect.

When that guy on the aeroplane to Florida shouted at him something about the trapped space and close proximity and the sharp contrast to how safe he’d felt only a minute before, looking over Phil’s shoulder and singing quietly while Phil filmed them for future video footage – the shock of that man’s anger made loud-heartbeat shakiness widen Dan’s eyes and all colour drained out of his face. Phil, when it became clear that Dan wasn’t going to defend himself, had taken a quick breath, sat up sharply, and stepped in to shield him. Phil’s hands had shaken for at least half an hour after - he hated face-to-face confrontation (Phil could and would put his adult face on and confront anyone, even took a certain amount of joy in applying justice to a bad situation, but he did have to work through a deeply ingrained sense that he should really be doing all he could to be a good and polite young man. The thought of making other people angry, or uncomfortable, or unpredictably emotional gave him anxiety shakes. Phil’s childhood lessons were different to Dan’s, cued by being a socially anxious youngest child with a cosy and cute role to fill). Dan had really appreciated it, had pushed his calf against Phil’s to tell him so, once it was all over and ‘Angry Pete’ had huffed off back to his seat. He had felt an uncomfortable awareness of every sound he made until the end of their flight, but thanks to Phil he didn’t feel terrified or even necessarily bad about himself.

Once Dan had told Phil that he didn’t have to be brave, that Dan would be brave for him. As it turned out, they just made each other more brave.

* * *

Something about having Norman felt weirdly safe and unsafe at the same time. That fish could die! They could cause his death! Norman was their baby by mutual unspoken understanding. The domestic bliss softness of having a joint fish to coo over and spoil, versus the nightmares that Norman wasn’t safe in his tank - a strange contradiction, but maybe that was ok. Their flat was still the safest place in the world when they woke up and told each other about their Norman-death nightmares. They would, and did, do anything to make Norman feel safe and loved. When they noticed his scales bloom with high-saturation colours and the bubble-beds start to pop up in his tank Dan knew Norman felt it too.

* * *

Sometimes London really doesn’t feel safe at all. There are Moments on Twitter about men with knives attacking people; there’s a horrible tense sadness in every interaction for a week after an attack in a nearby city. Grief intrudes the collective consciousness of the country. Two women get beaten up on a bus and London feels like a city full of enemies who they live with.

Even then, their flat is a bubble of safety. Agoraphobia gets to be a bit of a problem around these times, but Dan would rather feel too safe at home than in danger everywhere. Collective grief isn’t as overwhelming when it’s just him and Phil.

* * *

Phil’s a man of simple pleasures, likes to get cosy and warm as often as possible - sometimes Dan becomes his oversized heated teddy bear, sometimes it’s a blanket or a fireplace or a coffee. Phil, pouting, argues that since they leave windows open because Dan likes the brisk, fresh air, that that (somehow) makes it Dan’s responsibility to provide Phil with cuddly warm things. Dan performatively caws and stomps around but ends up giving Phil whatever he wants every time. The point is, Dan’s around and Phil likes being warm. By extension Dan usually ends up getting warm too, despite his shitty circulation – Phil says he’s always warm though, so maybe that warmth Dan feels with Phil is more emotional than physical? In 2009 Phil said that Dan smelled of warm (remembering that makes Dan scoff, mock, and blush). In 2018 Lola the Pomeranian fell asleep on him and Phil said it was because Dan was so warm. In 2019 another dog fell asleep on him (Dan ducks his head into his stripy jumper and thinks “yeah, I guess I am kinda warm”). Dan’s need for having windows open even extends to night-time in Winter while he sleeps, which makes Phil grumble and complain, but he solves it by sticking his cold limbs all over Dan, and Dan lets him. It’s nice to feel that useful. Phil gives him so much, there’s a safety in knowing that he gives back.

He calls people when it’s too scary for Phil. He answers the door to collect Phil’s post. He brings Phil coffee in the morning and kisses the frowny lines between his eyebrows. He finds Phil’s glasses when he loses them so that he can safely get out of bed. Dan proudly and often, sometimes obnoxiously, maybe, states that he gives the _best_ massages – they’re important for working the knots of stress out of Phil’s back. He makes Phil feel safe and heard. He knows this because Phil leans into him when he’s overworked and trusts Dan to take the extra weight.

Dan’s safe to feel nothing sometimes and let Phil take care of business commitments; and he’s safe to rant about to him about Formula 1 for hours without seriously being called annoying. Phil’s safe to work and work until he (literally) collapses, knowing that Dan will take over any work Phil will let him do, or hold his hand through panic attacks when his brain won’t let him share or stop; and he’s safe to poke Dan’s dimple at every possible opportunity without being told he’s intruding on Dan’s space, unwanted – he’s safe to express his affection however he’d like (biting and clawing) without being perceived as creepy or weird-in-a-bad-way.

* * *

This flat’s the safest place in the world, the Manchester flat was the safest place in the world, the London flat before this was the safest place in the world. Wherever they end up living next, permanent or temporary, will be the safest place in the world. Every hotel room in Japan, or America, every tour stop they’ve been to, was the safest place in the world. Their tour buses were the safest places (even that time one of them got crashed into, it became safe again for Phil once Dan woke up). Dan knows that he is, has been, and will be the safest place in the world for Phil. He also knows that Phil is, has been, and will be the safest place in the world for him. For as long as they’ll have each other (i.e. forever).

**Author's Note:**

> (please let me know if u think i should tag anything else, thanks!) ❤️


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